I decided to fix the black hole in myself by aiming to be top in my year. I studied furiously, and at the end of year 11, I came top in 7 subjects. But as soon as it was announced, the despair rushed back in. It hadn’t fixed the black hole. I felt even worse because I’d done everything I could … and it hadn’t worked.

Over the next few months, I tried to work out how to commit suicide and make it look like an accident. I didn’t want to upset my mum. Later, in year 12, I let slip to my mum what I was thinking, and she freaked out. She said two significant things to me.

Firstly, she said she wanted me to go to church. That was strange because she didn’t go to church herself, and we weren’t a Christian family.

Secondly, she said, “If you don’t have faith in something outside of yourself, when life goes bad, you’ve got nothing.”

She took me to church the next day. The first thing I noticed was the constant ‘stand up, sit down’ repetition. It was bizarre. The sermon was on Hannah. I’d never heard of Hannah. But halfway through the sermon, the minister said, “If you don’t have faith in something outside of yourself, when life goes bad, you’ve got nothing.”

Those were his exact words. I nearly died. My first thought was, “Sh*t, maybe there’s a God!” My brain went into meltdown. I started to wonder … if there is a God, what do I do about it? I can’t just ignore a God!!

I was completely incapable of fixing the mess inside me, so God had to do it.

I went home, scratched around and found a Bible someone had given us. I read from the beginning – Genesis, Exodus and half of Leviticus. I read every footnote! I thought if I kept reading, then sooner or later, it would make sense. It didn’t. My only thought was that God was God and I was not.

And if God was God, then I was sure he wasn’t happy with me. I was a vile teenager. I used to lie awake at night and plot how to be hurtful to my friends and brothers. I don’t even know how I had any friends.

I also worked out I was completely incapable of fixing the mess inside me, so God had to do it. Weeks later, I went back to church. Afterwards, a bunch of us went out to a pizza restaurant in Tamworth. It was Easter Sunday, 1983. The others were talking about Jesus. I desperately wanted to know about Jesus, but I refused to ask. I sat at the table, arms folded, leaning back. In the middle of the conversation, a light went on, ‘Jesus is how God fixes the mess!’

Jesus was the best news I’d ever heard and I couldn’t help but tell everyone.

I went home and prayed, “Jesus, I’ve screwed up my life. You can have it, if you want. (Pause … I think Christians say Amen) Amen.”

In that moment, God filled me with joy. I hadn’t felt joy or purpose for years. God utterly changed me from the inside out. He saved me spiritually and physically. There was no way I would still be alive today if God hadn’t saved me.

I finished year 12 and started university. I was a different person, radically changed. Jesus was the best news I’d ever heard and I couldn’t help but tell everyone. In the three years I was at university, nine of my friends became Christians.

I know deeply that God’s work doesn’t rely on me.

Later, I became a university student worker. I’ve been working on campuses for 30 years – in Sydney, Melbourne, Spain, Belgium. I’ve seen heaps of people come to faith in Jesus.

I realised though that there was still mess inside me. I was changed, but I still suffered from depression. The weakness of my depression over the years has meant I constantly recognise God’s work in me. I know deeply that God’s work doesn’t rely on me. He is doing his thing, in his time, for his glory. It’s always about his glory, even in my weakness.”

Karen’s story is part of Eternity’s Faith Stories series, compiled by Naomi Reed. Click here for more Faith Stories.