'I need to remind myself everyday – God is not disappointed with me'
Kristi’s story | Finally discovering where your self worth always was
“I had the blessing of growing up overseas, as a missionary kid. In many ways, I was very fortunate. In high school, I was part of a singing and evangelism group. We would memorise songs and Bible verses to go into the marketplaces, schools and even the hospitals, singing songs and sharing God’s truth with the people. One of the verses I read stuck with me. Jesus said, ‘From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.’” (Luke 12:48)
“It was a good truth, but as with everything, the enemy can twist it. I knew I’d been given much and believed God had blessed me with many things. Over the years, that truth became a heavy burden. Because I’d been given much, I thought that God expected so much more from me than others.
“I held myself to a very high standard. Whenever I made a mistake, or let someone down, I believed I’d greatly disappointed God. Of course, I knew I couldn’t be perfect … but whenever I did something dumb, or said something hurtful to someone, I would keep replaying it in my mind. I’d feel like a failure over and over again. No matter how hard I tried, I would NEVER be good enough.
“Of course, I knew that Jesus died for my sins, but somehow the overwhelming picture in my mind was of God the Father, sitting on his throne – way up in heaven – and he was completely disappointed in me.
“Then, about six years ago, at a women’s conference, the speaker held up a $100 note. She said, ‘Can I use this to buy a $100 dress?’ The answer was yes. Then she scrunched up the bill and she stepped on it and she muddied it. Then she opened it up again and she said, ‘Can I still use this to buy a $100 dress?’ Yes.
“She reminded me of what God’s word says about me, that my worth is not based on what I do or say. God made me and formed me. My worth, value and purpose comes from him alone. He loves me. It doesn’t matter what I’ve done – or what others have done to me – my worth is in him. Jesus died to set me free from all my failures!
‘I realised, in that moment, that my sense of worth had been very low. I’d been abused as a child [outside of the home]. I’d been horribly abused by my first husband. The sense of failure stayed with me, even after that marriage ended, 20 years ago. I constantly replayed my failures and my inability to be good enough, no matter what I did.
“But the truth, shared with me at that conference, set me free! God, my heavenly Father, was not disappointed with me. He loved me just as much as his Son, Jesus! Because of Jesus, I am not condemned! I have to keep believing that. I have to be intentional. I have to deliberately shift my focus every day from my failures.
“So I have found specific Bible verses relating to my biggest struggles and I post them all over my house – in my phone, near my coffee cup, on the mirror, in the bathroom, at the front door. I read them every day. I focus on them, even though they sometimes sound too good to be true!
“I remember every day that the Lord our God is near! He is right here with me. He sings over me, in the same way that I sing over my children. What a beautiful picture that is, described in Zephaniah 3:17.
“The words in Philippians 4:6-7 have also been a constant source of hope and healing for me. ‘Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.’
“It is true! My heart and my mind are truly at peace now, even when my circumstances are not!”