I grew up on the Gold Coast with six siblings. My parents had come over here from Germany and were first-generation Christians. It was a very religious household and we were home-schooled. We would have revival meetings on our property and mass baptisms. I could recite the book of Ruth by the time I was nine.

But on the other hand, if you did the wrong thing, you got severely punished. We had a lot of domestic violence and alcoholism. So I knew God at a young age, but I developed a very warped sense of his character and was afraid to come to God.

Unfortunately, my parents didn’t know that I was being sexually abused and raped by friends of my brother from the age of 6 and 11, which meant I ended up a really angry teenager. It really rocked my faith because I’m like, if God lets this happen, then he’s not really a good dad. I felt God was like a totalitarian dictator who was just waiting for me to slip up.

My parents ended up divorcing after a lot of violence and cheating. My parents struggled with alcoholism. So they decided to send me to boarding school in Dalby.

Then I became a drug dealer. I was running drugs for other dealers between the Gold Coast and Dalby. I felt like I had nothing to live for and no one to protect me, so it wasn’t even necessarily the drugs at first that I was addicted to. It was more the adrenaline of doing it and getting away with it.

The beautiful thing was, despite everything, I never completely turned my back on God. I always knew that he was real and that God had a bigger plan and purpose for me. I hung onto that.

But after I came back to live with my dad, things got a bit worse. I got expelled from a school and sent to another one to finish off my schooling. As soon as I turned 16, I moved out of home and moved into a share house, where things got a bit rowdier for the next couple of years.

I was about 18 when I met the father of my children at a party. We ended up dating and then we got heavily into drugs. He became associated with the Finks Motorcycle Club and we got involved in drug dealing and every type of addiction you can kind of think of.

After I fell pregnant, I decided that the best option was to get an abortion because I didn’t know if I could bring a child into the world. It was horrific. Afterwards, I got even further into drugs and I ended up an ice addict.

“Please, Jesus, please, Jesus, please, Jesus.”

When I fell pregnant for the second time, I was so horrified by what had happened the first time that I gave up drugs cold turkey and gave birth to my first daughter, Shea Hope.

But when she was six weeks old, we had a run in on our home. A man threatened us with a gun and that was one of the first times I really cried out to God. I dropped to my knees and just said, “Please, Jesus, please, Jesus, please, Jesus.” Miraculously, the gun didn’t go off, the taser didn’t work, and this guy ended up leaving disorientated. I found out later that just before he came to our house, he had killed a woman and her husband.

God saved me so many times. But, unfortunately, because I didn’t know how to cope without the love of a father, I ended up going back into addiction. And then I fell pregnant again and was in a really bad place and had another abortion again. And this one was really bad.

After that, I was like, “Okay, I’m going to clean up my act.” But I just couldn’t. My ex and I split up for a little while, then after we got back together, I fell pregnant for the fourth time.

I remember just crying out to God and being so exhausted. I was like, “I’m finished. I’ve tried to do all of this by myself. I’ve tried everything. I can’t do it. You’ve got to help me.” So I started going to church with my sister, who was a pastor at the time. I was rough. It wasn’t pretty but that is where my journey started. And from there on out, I just kept pressing into God and I gave birth to my second daughter. Her name’s Isabella Grace.

I’d never known a man who just loved.

Ever since, God has walked with me every single step of the way and he’s never left me, he’s never forsaken me. It took me a while to completely kick everything. But I’ve been sober off ice now for nine years. Then I got off pills, then prescription drugs. After I gave up all drugs, I tried to bargain with God that I could drink, but I just grew really empty.

The more I felt his love and his grace, the more I was drawn into who he was. I’d never known a man who just loved. I’d never known a man who was just protecting and caring no matter what I did, no matter how I tried to push him away.

I would test God over and over again for years. I’d be like, “You’re going to go now. Look, I disappointed you. I disobeyed the Bible.” And he would always be like, “No, I’m right here.” So for me, it was a journey. I came to know God as a father, Jesus as my husband and brother, and the Holy Spirit as a nurturing mother-type figure and it was like this whole family was encompassing. It’s been a daily walk with God.

I’ve just spent six years working in the Australian Anti-Ice Campaign. I work as a missionary for Youth for Christ. I go into schools, prisons, youth justice centres, and I teach about the dangers of drugs and share my testimony. I’m also a disability worker. I’ve travelled to many countries as a single mum, preaching and singing – I’m a worship leader. It has to be the grace of God because he has just provided in every sense of the word.